Things I’m Going to Put on My Face (For Science): Maybelline Provocalips

Things I'm Going to Put on My Face (For Science)


For my first trick, I will eat a chili dog while wearing this lipstick.

You think I’m kidding. Do I joke about hot dogs? (No.)

Last week I kicked off Things I’m Going to Put on My Face (For Science), which was met with more excitement than I thought it would. I mean, let’s be honest: Really all I’m doing is indulging in a bunch of cosmetics and telling you about them. But if that’s what you’re into, cool. I can get behind that. (Clearly I already have.)

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For the first session of TIGTPOMF, I selected the 14-hour, supposedly kiss-proof Maybelline Provocalips in Kiss Me You Fool. I tried to ignore the lack of punctuation in the name as I applied it, as well as any unsettling apocalyptic feelings the first half of the name generated.

I picked this one for a few reasons:

  • I have a few Maybelline 14-hour matte lipsticks that wear rather well
  • cute product design
  • Maybelline lipsticks smell nice

This, however, is a liquid lipstick with a sealer, so it doesn’t smell nice like a traditional creme lipstick would. The sealer is not a separately packaged product—it is on the opposite end of the tube of lip color. Think of it like a double-bladed light saber (and then stop, because we’re talking about lipstick and I don’t have time to entertain your Star Wars crap).

The lipstick itself applies well enough—you essentially paint it on your lips, it’s not too sticky or gloopy, and it dries fairly quickly. The sealer, on the other hand, looks like a tiny vat of Vaseline. And it feels like it. It took roughly 40 minutes for it to completely dry, but it was definitely kiss-proof, to J.’s astonishment (not so much to mine—modern cosmetics are often miracles in tiny tubes).

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Lip close-ups make me uncomfortable, so this is all you get. Ta-dah.

It left my lips glossier than I would have liked, but off we went to the mall to really test this sucker out. Four hours later, after a chili dog, an Orange Julius, and a nap, it had started to flake—much like paint. In a not-cute and definitely not 16-hour-wear way. I applied again, thinking I maybe I’d missed some spots with the sealer, and off we went again for birthday evening festivities.

After consuming three beers and a peanut-butter-pickle-bacon burger, the flaking was back.

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Unflattering picture of my face. For science.

And while I don’t anticipate gorging on chili dogs and burgers at my wedding (I mean, you never know), I’m not in love with this product. It’s an alright color, but the flaking is a big turn-off and the product doesn’t stay on anywhere near the 14 hours advertised. Overall, not bad for nearly $7, but let’s see what else is out there!

To be continued (in February)…


Things I’m Going to Put on My Face (For Science)

In approximately 10 months I will be married. And Marge’s Big Day wouldn’t be complete without a swipe of red lipstick, no?

Definitely not, which is why I’m embarking on a quest to find the perfect red lipstick for the day. (Also because J. doesn’t like it when I have goo on my face and kiss him, or some nonsense.) Mostly I just want to eat cake without touching up my lips, okay? Jeeze.

One would think this would be a relatively easy process, but to me (extremely organized individual), lipstick is Serious Business.


What’s in my purse? Mostly lipstick.
And since I lurk on r/MakeupAddiction from time to time, I’ve compiled a list of all the lipsticks mentioned as long-lasting and kiss-proof that I’d like to test out (for science!). The goal here is to try one new brand/product per month until I’ve exhausted the list, and by then I will hopefully have a winner picked.

The perfect red lipstick for wedding day must meet the following criteria:

  1. It must not smudge (for smooching)
  2. It must not transfer (for cake-eating)
  3. It must not dry my lips out (because pain)
  4. It will ideally have a matte finish  (because glazed doughnut isn’t a good look)

And now, the candidates:

As you can see, I don’t discriminate against drugstore brands, but I will say I am a little wary of some of them because I’m a firm believer of you-get-what-you-pay-for when it comes to cosmetics (lookin’ at you, Wet n Wild). Normally I would also include a price range these candidates should fall into, but, well, wedding. Enough said.

The process will involve wearing the lipstick all day. Go figure, right? Burrito-eating, coffee-drinking, dog-smooching, everyday activities. And then I’ll evaluate it at the end of the day. Cool? Cool.

I feel like it would be appropriate to inset a Hunger Games quote here, but I think I’m too old for that, so: may the best lipstick win!

Polka-don’t wear that!

Actual picture of my closet.

I’m pretty sure I wore polka dots nearly every day during my first week at my work. My coworkers probably thought it was a little odd. And no, I didn’t wear the same outfit every day—if you stepped into my closet, you’d find mostly polka dots and stripes. I have an obsession. It’s a problem. But who doesn’t have a problem?

I wear polka dots because they’re fun and because they can look professional if styled correctly. They come in a variety of colors and sizes. They can be dressed up or down. They’re a classic pattern packed with personality. And have you noticed that not many people wear them?

Wearing a bold pattern can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. Below are my top five polka-don’ts to guide you down the path of better style.

1. Don’t over-accessorize. Steer clear of the statement necklace or the wrist full of bracelets. A simple necklace or a pair or small earrings is enough. Pearls are my favorite because they match practically everything and always add a little more class to the outfit.

2. Don’t add too many colors. Two to three colors in your outfit is usually plenty. If you’re ever in doubt, black or white will always match anything. My go-to is a black cardigan to tie the whole shebang together.

But also be wary of too much of the same color. You don’t want to end up looking like a tomato if you choose to solely wear red with red accessories, etc. If you do go for the only-one-color look, at least keep everything the same shade—consistency is key.

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3. Don’t pattern-mix. We all know someone who describes themselves as “the kind of girl who wears stripes and dots together.” Don’t be that person. It never looks good.

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4. Don’t wear a bold shoe. The focus should be on the dots; they shouldn’t have to compete with your footwear. Save the statement shoes for another time and opt for black or nude flats—whichever will complement your outfit best.

5. Don’t worry about what other people think. You do you, okay?

Teenage angst has paid off well—now we’re grunge and old

On factory-fresh grunge and 2016

The ’90s are back, if you weren’t aware, and while I appreciate some things from the ’90s (Seinfeld, denim overalls, Twin Peaks, big hair), I can’t help but feel that 2016 holds no place for grunge. I just don’t think there’s anything to be grunge-angry about anymore, you know? And while grunge apparel certainly had its day, that day ended when Tumblr and MySpace became the popular mediums for expressing how much one’s parents just don’t ~understand~ them—and that was a long time ago.

The grunge of yesteryear was a movement of self-invention and community. It was a rebellion against the glossed-out pop music and hair metal popular at the time. It said, “Hey, I get it. And I get you. We might be different, but that’s okay.” It welcomed imperfections and embraced the parts of life that weren’t so perfect. I can’t say I see this kind of mentality in today’s grunge reemergence—especially when grunge bands are few and far between these days and in a world where we meticulously cultivate our social media presence to only show our best.

I think the thing that gets me about this reemergence of grunge is that it’s not really even true grunge; it’s a sweatshop-produced image that’s supposed to make us feel nostalgic and edgy. Factory-fresh grunge is pre-ripped tights and “faded” flannel hot off the Target and PacSun racks, and it says a little something about commitment.

That is, committing to looking like you don’t welcome any responsibilities but will happily spend $50+ on a vintage-inspired denim jacket while sipping a Starbucks grande frappuccino (extra caramel, no whip).

Factory-fresh grunge is the equivalent of a gentrified Mexican restaurant that serves margaritas in wide-mouth Ball mason jars and is careful to not let any rogue Kerr jars slip in by accident. Nothing about it feels authentic. It makes you pause and think, “Hmmm. Something’s a little…off.”

Grunge wasn’t about an image, but this reemergence only focuses on the image and making sure it’s picture-perfect—there is no rawness present, and any blip of it lurking under the horizon is smoothed out with the swipe of an Instagram filter.

We live in an age where fashion trends aren’t as influenced by social movements as they once were, so ultimately you can and should wear whatever you want. But I’ll be throwing shifty eyes your way if you’re in your mid 20s and I see you sporting jelly shoes and a choker necklace.