Things I’m Going to Put on My Face (For Science)

In approximately 10 months I will be married. And Marge’s Big Day wouldn’t be complete without a swipe of red lipstick, no?

Definitely not, which is why I’m embarking on a quest to find the perfect red lipstick for the day. (Also because J. doesn’t like it when I have goo on my face and kiss him, or some nonsense.) Mostly I just want to eat cake without touching up my lips, okay? Jeeze.

One would think this would be a relatively easy process, but to me (extremely organized individual), lipstick is Serious Business.


What’s in my purse? Mostly lipstick.
And since I lurk on r/MakeupAddiction from time to time, I’ve compiled a list of all the lipsticks mentioned as long-lasting and kiss-proof that I’d like to test out (for science!). The goal here is to try one new brand/product per month until I’ve exhausted the list, and by then I will hopefully have a winner picked.

The perfect red lipstick for wedding day must meet the following criteria:

  1. It must not smudge (for smooching)
  2. It must not transfer (for cake-eating)
  3. It must not dry my lips out (because pain)
  4. It will ideally have a matte finish  (because glazed doughnut isn’t a good look)

And now, the candidates:

As you can see, I don’t discriminate against drugstore brands, but I will say I am a little wary of some of them because I’m a firm believer of you-get-what-you-pay-for when it comes to cosmetics (lookin’ at you, Wet n Wild). Normally I would also include a price range these candidates should fall into, but, well, wedding. Enough said.

The process will involve wearing the lipstick all day. Go figure, right? Burrito-eating, coffee-drinking, dog-smooching, everyday activities. And then I’ll evaluate it at the end of the day. Cool? Cool.

I feel like it would be appropriate to inset a Hunger Games quote here, but I think I’m too old for that, so: may the best lipstick win!


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